On the 5th of January 2015 our lives was rocked, when our beautiful baby boy past away in his sleep. Nothing could have prepared us for the hopelessness and feeling of loss, each morning waking up wishing that it was just a bad dream.

As we watch the seconds turn to minutes, then hours, days, weeks and even months, things for us felt hopeless, it was only the knowledge that our other children needed us that kept us from drowning in self pity.  

The day started like any other with the older children at school, while the younger children played together happily, George laid on the sofa while we talked baby talk to him, where he seemed to smiled at us, making us know how lucky we were.

It was later on that day that things changed, when Eddie came back from school, Sarah nipped out to get a few bits of shopping for tea, she took both Lizzie and Eddie with her.  Shortly after she left, George seemed a little unsettled, so I picked him up to try and give him a feed before his sleep.  I placed George in our pram to sleep while Seb and Toby played.  

Shortly after Sarah came back and asked where everyone was, Toby was playing at the side of the pram, I reached in to check on George where my heart broke, I told Sarah “he’s not moving, he’s not moving”,  I tried in vain to get him to move and began to shout “HE’S NOT BREATHING!!”, Sarah quickly phoned 999 while I tried and tried to bring life back to him but nothing I could do helped,    

It seemed like hours but it was on a matter of minutes when the police came through the door and took over the CPR, and seconds later the ambulance service arrived. They quickly took George and Sarah to hospital, but it was too late and he was gone.

I arrived at the hospital soon after, I felt like screaming in hysterics, “This isn’t really happening, it’s all a bad dream”, I knew what they were going to tell us and I did not want to hear it.  I were met by staff who ushered me into a room were Sarah was sat along with doctors and the police. They told us the news that would devastate us and change us into completely different people.

We were taken to our beautiful boy, he was laying in a Moses Basket, looking as he was just asleep. We held him for what felt like hours. Staff were bustling around and everyone was whispering. I wanted to scream and scream, our perfect, little boy was gone. Both Sarah and I did not want to let him go but he had to.

It was finally time to go home and leave our baby in peace, We arrange for our other children to go to their grandma’s where we would follow on later.  We arrived home. Everything was as we left it. Toys were all over the floor, where I had left it only a few hours before. His cot still had his imprint in it, the house still had his baby smell. I thought how were we supposed to carry on without him? Our lives were in tatters, finished. I could not imagine another minute without George. The heartbreak seemed to get worse day by day. The heartbreak was both physical and mental as we tortured ourselves, both Sarah and I felt empty, every part of our body ached for our baby. Every part of our being was in pain.

I wanted my boy back, or I just wanted to be where he was. Why give him to us for such a short time, who’s caring for him, was he happy, did he miss us? These questions haunted us and still does.

You don't die from a broken heart, you only wish you did