Tunnel of Darkness

Once again I try to bring myself around, sometimes I feel that I’m running in a tunnel of darkness with only a slight glimmer of light, never knowing when the brightness will engulf me once more and for how long it will last, it feels that my only release is my loving wife and children, they too have felt the suffering that the vail of darkness and despair brings into our life. George was our youngest child and with each day that passes our feelings for him cuts deeper than a knife, we will never watch him grow up as we watch the others and as we watch our other children grow up and make a life for themselves, he will always stay in our hearts forever as our beautiful baby boy.

Birthday Blues

Today is one of those red letter days we have learnt to live with, It’s Toby’s birthday and for those who don’t know, Toby is George’s bigger brother, there is just over a year apart. We have the joy and celebration of one of our babies is growing up, at the same time having a grief that can’t be spoken, a pain that goes on and on, an empty chair at the party table and empty spaces in every family picture, but life still goes on and on. There is and will always be a missing part to our being. I know some people who may tell us to “stop dwelling,” or “is it time to move on”, but unless they spend every minute of every day missing their child, not just waving bye as they go off to college but

Club for loving souls

Eighteen months ago, Sarah and I lost baby George and became lifetime members of a special group of individuals, a club if you like, who have one thing in common and that is that we all lost a beautiful and wonderful child. We never wanted to join and like the ‘Hotel California’, “You can check-out any time you like, but you can never leave!”. When you have chance to talk to other members, you soon realise that you are rubbing shoulders with some of the kindest and warmest people you could ever wish to meet. All with stories of their lost tomorrows, all has rebuilt their new norm, and each one would choose to take the blue pill, therefore living a “ignorance Illusion”, if only we could hav

Blip in Time

This week I felt I had a few more blips than normal. This Monday morning, Seb was laying on the sofa feeling a little under the weather and feeling very sorry for himself, this was due to him being poorly the night before, the little man could hardly keep his eyes open, he looked pale and drained of life. Just at that moment he closed his eyes and fell asleep in a way that looked strange and my mind went into overload, so I dash over and began to tried and get a response but nothing, I tried again but of course he was only sleeping, he turned his head and opened his eyes for a second before going back to sleep. my head was full of memories of George and I couldn’t shake off the feeling, th

Talking about George

There is never a moment I will stop loving or thinking about my son George, just as a parent of a child who is living would always love theirs. It is an unconditional love and will always be there and will last forever. Is it any wonder that I want to hear his name the same as any parent wants to talk about their children? The only different is George live in heaven and talking about him is unfortunately quite a taboo in our culture and others feel uncomfortable hearing about a child who has left us so soon, that doesn’t stop me wanting to say his name and sharing his love and light everywhere I go. When I talk about him they maybe a tear in my eyes and a crook in my voice, but I am so pro

Photo

The other day I came across a photo on my mobile phone, it was of baby George, I wasn’t expecting it or just forgot it was there, either way it came as a surprise especially as I was waiting to see the consultant at the hospital, I felt that he is watching over us and keeping his family safe. I miss my little boy and I take comfort thinking he is with us every day. I do look for signs were before I just overlooked them, I have a sense of well-being when I find something but at the same time a sadness as I wish he was here with us. I have an angel in my heart and know I’m not alone.

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